When our world was flipped upside down by the coronavirus pandemic, many of us were surprised or frightened by the intensity of our emotions. We now face health crisis, job insecurity, economic uncertainty, at-home school, daycare closings, postponed weddings, missed celebrations, and social isolation.
Is it selfish to grieve such losses? No! Grief is a normal human reaction to a significant loss. Although grief is usually associated with death, we should also acknowledge our fears and sadness in the face of other losses. Recognizing our grief allows us to not only work through it but to grow stronger in the midst of loss and suffering. As we walk through grief, we can build the spiritual muscles to handle loss, and we experience that God welcomes our doubts, fears, and pains. Trying harder in our own strength to overcome our grief can lead to self-dependence. Submitting our grief to God helps deepen our love for Him and trust in Him.
Psalms of lament validate our feelings of sorrow as they guide us to express sadness, fear, and despondence as well as emerging joy and hope. The psalmist in Psalm 22 illustrates a grief journey.
Although he is rooted in trust and faith, the psalmist wails in confusion, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Ps. 22:1).
In his desperation, he moves from lament to prayer, pleading for removal of God’s distance (Ps. 22:12, 20). He later exclaims that God “has heard when he cried to Him” (Ps. 22:24). Whether or not God removed the affliction, the psalmist rejoiced because he experienced restoration in God’s presence.
Each of us responds differently to grief. Some can’t sleep while others sleep too much; some lose their appetite and others overeat; some respond with angry outbursts while others withdraw; some of us want to talk about feelings while others do not. Conflict can occur when stressed individuals are grieving and do not recognize that their family members are also grieving in a different way. One person may be angry when another is sad, while another struggles with anxiety. Step back and recognize what is happening. Ask God for wisdom and guidance. Offer patience, understanding, and respect to each other in large doses.
Just as adults grieve differently from each other, children grieve differently than adults. Children grieve in small doses; they may become extremely emotional or act out for a few minutes, then quickly revert back to happiness. They may carry grief in their bodies which manifests itself in stomachaches or other physical symptoms. They also live in a world of magical thinking, believing their thoughts and actions can cause things to happen – “Daddy lost his job and is sad because I was mean to my brother.” Children’s grief typically follows their particular developmental stage. The following link is designed for children grieving death but the principles apply to any grief situation.
Grief encourages us to anticipate eternity. We often try to build a heaven-on-earth for ourselves and our families. Facing loss reminds us that in this world there will always be suffering. Our hope and peace is the confidence found in Revelation 21:3-4:
“Now the dwelling of God is with men and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.”
Is it OK to grieve? Yes! But let’s not waste our grief. Let our grief transform us. As we embrace loss, we can choose to allow God to work through us and make us stronger and more Christlike than before the loss. Author Randy Alcorn explains it like this: We define our good in terms of what makes us healthy and happy. God defines our good in terms of what make us more like Jesus. If God delivered us from all our grief and suffering, He would be delivering us from Christlikeness. (The Goodness of God: Assurance of Purpose in the Midst of Suffering)
Today our conversations are filled with words like unprecedented, unpredictable, unstable, and uncertain. Let’s hold fast to the unwavering truth that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb. 13:8). He is the One who loves us the most and He desires to strengthen us, so “let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Heb. 4:16).
For encouragement during these days, check out the video clip series, “Thriving in the Unknown” from Dr. Melissa Carlisle Golden. Melissa served on the Shades student staff while she completed her Ph.D in Counseling.
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If you feel the need for pastoral support and would like to talk to a Shades minister, please email counseling@shades.org.